Play and motherly obligations

For some reason how much a mother/parent plays with their child(ren) has come up a lot in recent conversations. I've done a lot thinking about this because, well, I'm not inclined to play constantly with my son. In fact, I think that it is detrimental to the development of a child to become dependant on a parent to entertain them. The work of children is play. The work of an adult is many, many things and play is a part of that but it is not the primary focus. So, I do not feel guilty that I actively encourage my son to play on his own 90% of the time.

Does this mean that when my child needs my attention I ignore him? Not in the least. There is a world of difference between ignoring the needs of my child and activiely encouraging him to discover and create his own worlds of play. Worlds that I cannot and should not enter into. After all, why is it that I get bored within a few minutes of scripted, pretend play but children can go for long stretches of time without breaking character? Because I am not wired for that kind of play but my son is.

Of course, this all plays into how we parent overall. I practice what I have heard called benign neglect. That means that I allow my son a lot of free reign in which to explore and learn without interference from me. So, it seems to be a natural extension of that to encourage him to play for long stretches on his own. I think, too, it depends on how one defines play. We spend a lot of our day talking and he tags along with my chores most of the time. We go for walks and talk about what we are seeing and we read and cook, etc. But we also spend a long part of every day with me reading on the couch while he plays. Or if we go to the playground, I sit on the bench and only intervene when he is in danger or is threatening harm to another child! In other words, not very often.

I'm sure there are differing perspectives with regards to how much a parent should play with their children (as with every aspect of parenting!). I guess I would offer up the perspective that the guilt that is poured on by some media and experts is perhaps a little out of whack. Perhaps constantly being entertained is not a healthy state of being for adults. We should consider when those patterns are established. Yes, please interact with your child on their level. Yes, family time is great. But please don't feel guilty if it's just not your thing to play ponies or trains for hours on end.

Parenting and expectations

I've been thinking a lot about the expectations that we set for our children. I am wondering if as a general rule we set them too low. Let me give a bit of background by saying that I associate myself most strongly with the "attachment" style of parenting (AP). I believe in creating a strong relational bond with a child from infancy and in gentle discipline with the focus on grace and mercy over punishment. That said, I also believe that as parents it is our God given responsibility to our children to guide, instruct, set and enforce boundaries. So, what does that mean in practical terms? I'm still working this out. I hope to constantly be working this out because, whatever else, parenting should be flexible and responsive. Attachment parenting is pretty darn easy through infancy. You sling the baby, nurse the baby, sleep with baby and respond to the baby. You're good. But as your child moves into toddlerhood, they begin to test those boundaries. That's good and normal. I've been trying to reconcile myself with what sometimes appear to be conflicting theories regarding parenting. How can one be gentle but strict about enforcing the boundaries? Because I do believe that a child needs that consistent response to the testing of the waters and I sometimes think that attachment parenting and gentle discipline theories are short on the practical application. How does one find the balance between being responsive to the child's needs and guiding the child? My problem with absolute child-led parenting is that a child is a child. Which is part of the argument behind AP, age-appropriate responses and expectations. Which leads me to my present quandary.

We've begun potty training (another issue just in that: potty learning vs potty training?!?!? Is no one familiar with the idea that training is not always negative? Is training not a way of teaching one's mind and body through intense application? I don't get it.). At any rate, we've begun potty training by means of elimination communication (EC) techniques and routine. D is just now 17 months old and by general sentiment he is either too young or too old to learn to eliminate in the potty. But he is. And he is very proud of himself for doing so. And this is where my question stems from: do we set our expectations for our children too low? By most AP standards (not EC) I'm not following the child's lead with this and am therefore undermining him. But, if I had waited for him to show "readiness signs" for pottying, we may never have begun this process. So here we are with a very proud little boy who has begun to ask to use the potty one week into potty learning. I realized that my expectations of him were definitely too low. As I think of child-led parenting practices, I wonder if low expectations are often at the root. We don't really expect our children to obey when we set a rule so we become wishy-washy on the enforcement of the rule. This seems to me a major difference between my more mainstream friends and their discipline approach and my more AP friends.

Today when I was discussing this idea with some mommy friends of mine, they pointed out that I've been looking at this whole problem from a very human perspective. God does not always define grace and mercy in the way we want it to be. Sometimes, grace and mercy are allowing the full consequences of something to come down on us. In this way, in His infinite mercy, He teaches us about ourselves. I have certainly been taught much about my own broken self this way. I needed this gentle reminder that my parenting role model is to be my Heavenly Papa first and foremost.