Yes, I am still here. I have been so busy this summer. I'm beginning to feel completely overwhelmed by everything that must get done and everything that's not getting done and everything I want to get done. Many days nothing gets done and I just want to sit and cry. So, to try and get over the pity party, I thought I'd write up some of the things I'm learning this summer. The main thing that has pushed me over the edge is taking on a few days working at our little farm. This little extra is the thing that is going to break this mama! But, having stretched too far has helped me to really look closely at what I want, love and hope to do.
I guess I always feel a little guilty wanting to stay home with my kids, just to teach them, keep my house the way I want it and keep my toes in the art process. Often when I'm talking to other mothers, I hear them talking about going back to school, not really wanting to be a "full-time mommy" or creating careers for themselves. It seems like many of them are fighting to keep a part of themselves that is not defined by mothering alive through their career or job. And often I feel like they think I can't possibly be sane or right for finding such peace in the slower pace of just living with my kids and my home. I know there are many mothers out there like me. Mothers who take pride and pleasure in *doing* for their homes & families. But I don't know many of them first hand. And a lot of the time I feel like most other women think I'm at the worst pulling women back nearly a century or at the best a little crazy.
How does all this relate to working at my little farm this summer? Well, one of the hard lessons I've learned this summer is that creating for myself and my family is demanding and when I take on outside work as a means of justifying being at home full time, I leave no time or energy for myself to create for my family. I love to make things. I love to be surrounded by beautiful handmade things. I dream of having a home that is mostly handmade and durable and spartanly simple (yes, yes, I know who I am married to and I know I will never get "spartanly simple" but a girl's gotta have something to dream about, right?).
All of this thinking and re-evaluating has led me to the point of being ok with just wanting to be a homemaker, mother and artist. It's a lot of creative work to make a home the way I want. But I don't need to justify it to people who think I'm crazy for wanting this. And I'm a relatively adaptable person so no one needs to worry that I won't have anything to occupy my mind once my kids are grown and gone, either. I'll find something. It's a bonus of being curious.
So, what am I dreaming about for the end of the growing season? I'm dreaming about a MAJOR decluttering session. I'm talking a month of daily purges and a defined place for every last bit of thing in my space! I'm dreaming of hanging new curtains and painting pretty colors. I'm dreaming of making new clothes and knitting new sweaters and maybe some socks too. I'm dreaming of stepping into the challenge of beginning school in a more active sort of way. Of devoting entire days to following my child's lead and seeing what he wants to explore and learn. And I'm dreaming of slowing down and setting my own pace. And cooking meals that take a little more time than 30 minutes to prepare. I'm dreaming of being busy but a different kind of busy. A slower, more fluid kind of busy. Thanks for dreaming with me.
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1 comment:
I read ya loud and clear. There sem to be few moms here that are sahm mom's. I am a rarity here in Columbia. And I do sometimes feel like I should be giving to our family financially but luckily I have support from others like you and my husband. Thanks for writing this, it's been on my mind but Icouldn't find all the words.
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